Grief.

Going a little off topic with this one, but maybe these thoughts just need a little space in the world.

Grief is a tricky thing. It creeps up on you, but it never leaves you at the same time. It’s been almost two months since my dad passed, and to be completely honest, most of my day is filled with sadness. I don’t know how to explain it, but I guess the most accurate description is that the grief itself doesn’t get easier, but you somehow manage to learn how to live with it.

There are moments where I think of something and go “oh I can’t wait to tell my dad this” and am harshly reminded of my situation. But it’s not necessarily a reminder, because as I’m thinking this, I already know I can’t. But somehow I feel the need to just bring the grief to the surface to the second. Sometimes I feel as though I need that grief to feel better afterwards, because it makes me feel closer to him, even if for a minute as I let the grief take over.

I’m not saying this is healthy, or right, but I guess I don’t really know how to deal with grief. What is the right way to deal with it, and how does that change as time goes on? All I know is that it hasn’t been two months yet, but the world is most definitely still spinning, and I most definitely have to spin with it.

I think one thing that isn’t discussed enough is the guilt that comes with grief. I wasn’t there when he passed, and I feel that constantly. I live in a different state, while the rest of my family lives at home together. While I’ve had moments of loneliness living so far away, I’ve never felt this sort of isolation before. My boyfriend has been amazing during this time, but it doesn’t change that my family was there during those last few days and moments while I wasn’t. it’s not like his death was expected by any means, but somehow that thought doesn’t make me feel better either.

I find myself questioning everything. Now that he’s gone, can he see everything? Can he see my entire life laid out? Is he not as proud of me anymore now that he sees me for exactly who I am? Were we not as close as I thought we were? We talked almost every night during his work break at 10:30, but somehow it doesn’t feel like enough anymore. Should I have done more? While I hope that I can learn to accept and grow from these feelings, for now, they are present and with me.

I know this article is sad, and probably not a good read in the slightest. But I do think I needed this. Selfishly. Talking about it does help. There is no linear way to navigate grief, but if even a single person can relate, or feel solace in this, then that’s enough for me. And if you feel like it’ll help, feel free to discuss or comment, I’ll be here to chat with you. Just know you’re not alone.

Thank you for allowing me this space to share some feelings, I truly do appreciate it.

xoxo Reb